“The basic difference between being assertive and aggressive is how our words and behaviour affect the rights and well-being of others.” - Sharon Anthony Bower
Assertiveness is a unique tool for anyone who can apply it in his or her daily lives. Assertiveness allows one to express true feelings or emotions and personal rights, as well as the rights of others. Assertiveness for most part is straightforward, honest and identifies personal needs of another person. There are people that have a knack for assertive communication where others can develop there own style as a learned behaviour. Those who have supreme skill with assertiveness would reduce conflict in the workplace, at home and other social environments. Assertive behaviour seems to be the stress reducer in awkward situations and usually becomes the peacemaker in chaotic environments.
There is a difference between being assertive and aggressive. These two behaviours can cause confusion. When people are aggressive they are usually reacting to the given situation in a rude, derogatory, sarcastic manner that only increases the anxiety and stress of anyone involved. On the other hand assertiveness allows one to stand up for their feelings while respecting others rights and feelings in the process. This causes a neutral line of communication that does not escalate the situation. Assertiveness can give both parties the “benefit of doubt”. There is a philosophy that Humans naturally want to do the right thing. People don’t wake up in the morning and deliberately insist on causing mayhem. The trick is to be able to harness that instinct and apply it to a “win-win” situation reducing unnecessary conflict.
Assertiveness is a style of communication that greatly enhances our effectiveness with others and produces the most positive outcomes. Assertiveness can enhance the following:
• Improve inter-personal relationships
• Enhance self-esteem
• Minimise stress
• Reduce feelings of helplessness/depression
• Reduce conflicts/anxiety
• Retrain self respect
• Treats others respectfully
• Gives a sense of control
The Importance of Being Assertiveness, Saying NO
There are many ways to develop an assertive approach for managing conflict. To start the learning curve practicing in minimal risk situations around friends and family. This practice can be the cornerstone for assertive behaviour.
Always treat others the way you want to be treated. Refer to the Golden Rule: “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you”
You are equal and have rights to be treated as an equal person. No person has the right to mistreat you or even treat you less as another. Each person is different and you may come across one who is self-righteous or one with a low self esteem. People have the right to live their lives any way they want. That is the beauty of free agency; it’s up to you to understand others rights and freedoms in the society and culture in which you live.
Diversity can play factor in with the situation. Cultures have their own norms they abide by so be courteous when attempting to be assertive in a diverse environment. It is easy to attack others verbally in conflict, don’t hurt others when trying to express yourself. Identify your feelings in a respectful manner. After all it’s not what is said but how it is said with the tone of the speaker.
Most important of all the factors when developing your assertive style you must listen. There are two parts to assertiveness-speaking verbally or non-verbally with body language and listening. Becoming a better listener will deeply assist with assertiveness. Paying attention to the other party can help. To not listen would be foolish and you will not hear the message clearly. This would become selective listening and place a barrier in the line of communication.
Assertive behaviour come naturally to some and needs to be developed with others. Everyone has rights, and its okay to let others know feelings you have in hostile situations with out antagonising others. It’s easier to point the finger but stating your beliefs will reduce the risk of stress and conflict at work, home or other social environments. Develop assertiveness as a tool to create a better lifestyle for not just you but for others. If active passive then it can only hurt the situation and can erupt into an unwanted event. By communicating assertively you minimise a hurtful event. In the end assertive behaviour will not hinder or harm the conflict. Assertive behaviour is the medium that makes everyone come out on top feeling better about the situation. Everyone wins when assertiveness is used properly.
STRATEGIES FOR DEVELOPING ASSERTIVE COMMUNICATION
• Watch your body posture – practice using an open, assertive body language and voice.
• Think before you speak. Take a few seconds to make sure you are conveying the right message, and in the way you want to convey it.
• Don’t apologise if it’s not warranted.
• Remember it is ok to say “no”.
• Remember everyone is entitled to an opinion, and don’t try to convince others that yours is the “right” one. Also know that you don’t have to apologize or make excuses.
What then, is assertive behaviour? It’s a much healthier way of dealing with people where the cornerstone is the giving and receiving of respect and consideration. It’s also a way to improve your communication skills and assert your self-esteem. Assertiveness is a positive thing: it will make you feel good, the more you practice it. You will also retain a lot of dignity when others resort to aggressiveness, sarcasm, or let their emotions get on top of them.
This is where self-esteem comes in. You have to believe that you are valuable and have something to contribute to, and understand that you have a right to say yes and no to people without feeling bad. Avoid being overly apologetic or meek (“oh, I’m so sorry I can’t help you, I’m pathetic, I know”). Even if you’re joking, this kind of “self irony” will wear away at other’s perceptions of you.
Another thing to change is your perception of other people, in return. Being assertive doesn’t mean being detached or cold. Take an interest in your colleagues or friends. If they genuinely do have a problem, empathise. If someone is being aggressive towards you, retain your dignity and don’t fall into the trap of lashing out. Ask for feedback on why they feel that way. Anger and arguments don’t help anyone, working through issues with a level head does. We’ve all have bosses or managers who have lost their temper, making them unpleasant to be around. Try not to be one of those people.
As with many professional skills, positivity is the key to assertiveness. Know your limits and stick to them, and don’t be afraid to have your voice heard or your opinion valued. You’ll still climb up the professional ladder, but making friends, rather than enemies, on the way!
How can you be assertive? If you don’t have the art of assertiveness down maybe it would be wise to look in the mirror and truly identify yourself. What kind of person are you? What kind of person do you want to be? Can you take on criticism from others? Are you able to speak up when you want to? Do you feel singled out?
If you tuck your feelings aside, be tactful and professional in sticky situations then you can master the art of assertiveness. It may take a little practice, as you may react to conflict instead of acting upon the given problem. Keep in mind that rights are always a factor. There is a choice and right to say whether to agree. It is not bad to say “no” when you want to.
Assertive Techniques
1. Broken Record – Be persistent and keep saying what you want over and over again without getting angry, irritated, or loud. Stick to your point.
2. Free Information – Learn to listen to the other person and follow-up on free information people offer about themselves. This free information gives you something to talk about.
3. Self-Disclosure – Assertively disclose information about yourself - how you think, feel, and react to the other person’s information. This gives the other person information about you.
4. Fogging – An assertive coping skill is dealing with criticism. Do not deny any criticism and do not counter-attack with criticism of your own.
5. Eye - to - Eye Contact - A confident body language is most important for any assertive talk.
Importance of Eye - to - Eye Contact
o Agree with the truth – Find a statement in the criticism that is truthful and agree with that statement.
o Agree with the odds – Agree with any possible truth in the critical statement.
o Agree in principle – Agree with the general truth in a logical statement such as, “That makes sense.”
o Negative Assertion – Assertively accepting those things that are negative about yourself. Coping with your errors.
o Workable Compromise – When your self-respect is not in question offer a workable Compromise.FINAL THOUGHTS
ü Be patient – learning new behaviours takes time, and it will feel awkward at first.
ü Practice leads to improvement.
ü Expect some resistance from others.
ü Becoming assertive may never feel as comfortable as being passive or aggressive, if that’s your learned style, but the rewards are worth the effort.
ü Recognize and validate yourself for improvement.
Assertiveness Is Not Only A Matter of What You Say, But Also A Function of How You Say It!